CHA-CHING

I’ve been racking the noodle lately thinking of “Out side the box” ways to help our government. Since the 3 current candidates, (from here on out, let’s call them The Mod Squad) yap about problems they can’t fix, I’ll help them out.

Here’s the plan.

The government needs to follow the path that rakes in billions and it’s simple. Think about this, the N.F.L. alone brings in millions of dollars. You add baseball, basketball, auto racing, golf and all the other lower tiered sports, and now you’re talking real money. What drives these events? Well first you have owners that are business men who know how to turn a buck. That’s something Washington needs, but will never have.

I honestly think if you replaced congress with the 32 owners of the National Football league, this country would be turning a profit faster than you could say “Vince Lombardi.”

Face it; this is a new world which needs a new approach.

Imagine this. The official beverage of the White House is Coca-Cola. How much would that cost? You think Pepsi would like some of that action? You bet. How about press conferences? Behind the podium just over the Presidents head is an ad for Monster.com. cha-ching. The Rose Garden sponsored by Scotts, cha-ching. Air Force One is now Jet Blue One, cha-ching. Capital Hill is now Pepperidge Farm Place, cha-ching.

We’re talking naming rights to each government building and monument. We are open for business and taking all bidders. The Lincoln Memorial and Washington Monument will sort of stay the same. They’d be the Lincoln Town Car Memorial and the Washington Mutual Monument. See it works.

The government prints money at the Bureau of Engraving building. Boring name right? Call it the Xerox Copy Center. Cha-ching

Most of this stuff is a no-brainer.

The Nestle Toll House of Representatives

The Pizza Hut Supreme Court

Subway Sub-Committee

Toyota Dept. of Transportation

Brinks Dept. of Homeland Security

Dr. Pepper Dept. of Health and Human Services

CHA-CHING, cha-ching, and cha-ching

Even when a congressman is arrested it could bring in revenue. With all the lawyers and bail bondsmen vying to be the official “House Legal Team,” that alone would balance the budget. CHA-CHING

Since senators work for us, they would have no say in the contract or receive any compensation for the following. You’ve seen a hearing committee on television. The senators sit high above some poor sap while grilling him about not paying health care for his employees. Each senator has a microphone and on this microphone is a little ad.

Ted Kennedy- Budweiser

Robert Byrd- Linens N Things

John Kerry- Heinz Ketchup

John McCain- Waffle House

Kay Bailey Hutchison- Little Debbie

Harry Reid- Cap’n Crunch

Hillary Clinton- Coldwater Creek Pantsuits

Joe Biden- Rogaine

The revenue is endless.

We could have Congress trading cards with full stats on the back. You know, the number of DUI’s , addictions and girlfriends each congressman has. Add a fun fact like what fetish they have, or lobby kickbacks they receive.

I can almost hear kids begging their mothers, “Please Mom, I have to get the Obama rookie card.”

Then the disappointment when the pack is opened, “Crap another Barney Frank.” Cha-ching

Then we branch out.

The space shuttle program would have to be overhauled. Make the shuttles look like they belong on a racetrack. Heck, I bet DuPont would love to paint the thing in rainbow colors and slap a 24 on it. In fact, let NASCAR take over NASA, it makes perfect sense. Blast 3 or 4 of those babies off at the same time and let em’ race to mars. The country would fall in love with the space program again and it wouldn’t cost the tax payers a cent.

There is so much we could do, like postage stamps with ads on them, Interstate signs with corporate logos, pop-up ads on government websites, and all the while, cha-ching.

Don’t forget about eBay. Are you kidding me? How much would a suit worn by the President fetch? And what if he signed it? Cha-ching I’m already ahead of you, auction off a weekend at Camp David with the President, cha-ching.

We do have to make a few things off limits. As much as Home Depot wanted to put orange aprons on Secret Service agents, we would have to draw the line. The agents would no longer be secret. But then again, how many times have you been to Home Depot and can’t find an orange apron anywhere. Hmm… maybe there’s a blend in button that you push on the apron… Note to self, start observing the help down at the home center.

Now let’s really think outside the box and into the squared circle.

How about a lights out match between Christopher Dodd and Orrin Hatch, winner gets their bill passed. On the undercard, Tom Harkin (D) vs. Chuck Grassley (R) in a loser leaves town match, with special guest referee, Ross Porot. Americans would be interested in politics, the ratings would go through the roof, and Fox would pay Super Bowl numbers to broadcast Political-Mania I.

Think about a national lottery. I bet it could fund the Social Security crises and make some millionaires along the way. Cha-ching

You may think I’m crazy, but you know I’m right. The government has to market itself like a sports franchise.

As much as The Mod Squad hates it, this country is run on the corporate dollar. It’s time to look for any source of revenue. If you’re worried about selling out, its already happened. China buys our debt…while we sleep. Let’s grab the country back with the full-force of American know-how.

Here’s the problem I see. With all this new money to spend… they will spend it, but not on the debt. No, congress would green light more social programs and we’d be left in a bigger hole than when we first started.

Of course, unlike The Mod Squad, I don’t have a Political Science or law degree. I’ve never been a community organizer or married to a former President. You know, things that make you qualified to run for the highest office in the land. Nope, I just plot along in the world of the small-brained people eating my Moon Pie and drinking RC Cola….

Moon Pie… RC Cola?

How about the Moon Pie & RC Cola Ethics Committee…. Has a nice ring doesn’t it.

That’s the way Ron sees it.