Black Gold, Texas Tea

You all know the story about a man named Jed, the poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed. Then one day he was shootin at some food, and up through the ground came a bubblin crude.

What would happen if old Jed lived by today’s laws?
Perhaps… No, the EPA would circle the Clampett Compound faster than you could say “David Koresh and the Branch Davidian Ranch.” They’d seize Jed’s property, cap the oil gusher to save the caribou, moose, or whatever Jed was aiming for, and then fine him for drilling in a natural habitat. Then of course he’d also be charged with shooting led (bullets) into the ground. You do know there is a chance that over time the led might work its way down to our drinking water, shame on you Jed.

Then I would look for the government to ban hunting rifles, or as they call them, personal oil drilling implements. See, the government would fear that when everyone heard about Jed and his fancy hand-held drilling machine, the country would go nuts shooting led into the ground. If that happened, old Jed would be slapped with conspiracy to destroy the planet and Mr. Clampett would find himself sitting before Congress being lectured on the damages oil and led does to the environment.

Not only is Jed not a millionaire, it’ll cost him millions in fines, penalties, and not to mention legal fees. Then you know the property Jed owned before it was seized? Well guess what, since the land was full of oil, that made Jed part of Big Oil. Now he owes back taxes because he wasn’t forthright on the value of the property. WEE DOGGIE, Jed’s in trouble now.

To set an example for other would be oil hunters, the government hits Jed with a full force of violations. They claim he knew Granny made moonshine for her doctoring.

He let Jethro struggle through 12 years of school to receive a 6th grade ed-ja-ma-cation, instead of seeking out a special needs teacher. They’ll also accuse Jed of mentally abusing poor Jethro. Like the time Jed said, “If brains was lard, Jethro couldn’t grease a pan.”

He allowed Elly May to drag dangerous critters into the Clampett home. They even charged him with neglect, because Duke the dog never had his shoots. Oh yeah, and if he was really hunting for some food, where was his license? So they got him for that too.

Since it seems Jed has a fondness for firearms, the government would naturally take the investigation in another direction… “So Mr. Clampett, what ever happened to Mrs. Clampett, and why the rush to load up the truck and move to Beverly?”

Boy Howdy, by the time they’re through, Jed would be tried and convicted of being an angry white man, who pollutes the air, contaminates drinking water, leads a moonshine ring, abuses the mentally handicapped, tax evader that hates his dog. And perhaps he’s a murderer, since no one has seen Mrs. Clampett.

I reckon old Jed wished he’d stayed home that day and ate leftover vittles. Of course where he’s going, he’ll never have to hunt for food again. He can take his shoes off and set a spell.

Y’all come back now, y’hear.

Up next, Hooterville, the EPA goes after one Oliver Wendell Douglas for using DDT on his cornfield and the IRS wants to talk to Mr. Haney.

This started out to be just a few lines about Jed Clampett, and then I was going to rant about oil. As you can see, I got a little carried away.