My list of 10

Every year we suffer through countless Christmas songs on the radio. And I do mean suffer. Radio stations start playing Christmas music before Thanksgiving, which leaves mostly rubbish in heavy rotation. I will ignore such insignificant songs like, “I’ll Be Stoned for Christmas,” and “Daddy don’t get drunk this Christmas.” What I’m after is the traditional stuff; the kind of music we’re told is classical Yuletide fair. Here’s my list of the 10 worst Christmas songs ever.

Number 10- The Twelve Days of Christmas

This song goes back to the 16th century where it should have stayed. A laundry list of nonsense is what it is. If my true love sent me nine ladies dancing I would have to question our relationship and where it’s headed. And what is a lord a’ leaping anyway?

There have been several spinoffs to this song, Twelve Days of a Redneck Christmas, Bob and Doug’s Twelve Days, Twelve Pains of Christmas, and each one more annoying than the last. Enough, it’s not funny.

Number 9- Last Christmas

Do you know this is the most recorded Christmas song of all time? My next question is why? I can’t listen to it without thinking of George Michael and his solicitation charge in a men’s room. Please let this be the last Christmas we have to hear this song.

Number 8- Oh Christmas Tree

The problems with this song are multifold. To begin with it’s also sung as, “O Tannenbaum.” Google the lyrics and you’ll find about 15 different versions, all of them pay some sort of homage to a tree. Here’s a sample,

“O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree, your branches green delight us. O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree, your branches green delight us. They're green when summer days are bright;
They're green when winter snow is white. O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree,
Your branches green delight us!”

Obviously the words come from a deranged environmentalist nut-job who refuses to accept the baby Jesus. While the rest of the world sings praises to the King, this clown is out in the forest snorting pine needles.

Number 7- Feliz Navidad

How many times can you repeat the words, “Feliz Navidad”? Answer, quince (15).

Number 6- Blue Christmas

Nothing gets you in the holiday mood like the blues. This song makes you want to stand under the mistletoe, pull the trigger and eat the bullet. Elvis, you should’ve been ashamed of yourself.

Number 5- Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer

Rudolph was the product of a promotional gimmick by Montgomery Ward. How is it that the department store no longer exists, but this idiot reindeer get street cred each and every Christmas? It was lame when I was 5 and nothing has changed.

Number 4- Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer

This song is what Rudolph begat. The writer was no doubt a latchkey child with mama issues. Only in America can something so stupid get mass air play. We’re a nation of knuckleheads.

Number 3- Jingle Bell Rock

The lyrics start off weak and tail off from there. The opening verse goes,

“Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock
Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring
Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun
Now the jingle hop has begun”

And I thought I wrote drivel. I could do a 500 word essay on why I hate this song. This mindless ramble gets more air play than Bing Crosby. If I had to sum it up in one word, “worthless.”


Number 2- Rockin’ Around the Christmas tree

I don’t know what drives me crazier; the lyrics or the tune? Just the first few cords of this tripe irritate me, nails on a chalkboard sound better than this ditty. This song is over 50 years old and it gets air play for reasons still unknown. The last two lines of this moronic rhyme goes.

“Everyone dancin' merrily,
in the new old-fashioned way.”

The new old-fashioned way? Spare the oxymoron, give me a barf-bag, I’m about to lose my pumpkin pie!


Number one- I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus

Let’s examine the lyrics

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
She didn't see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep;
She thought that I was tucked up
in my bedroom fast asleep.

Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white;
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.

You can trace the roots of our downfall to this song. The message is quite clear. It’s okay for mommy to have an affair. The kid in the song thinks it’s funny that old dad plays the sap role. Since the kid saw mommy kissing Santa, it wouldn’t be out of reach to see her kiss the milkman or some guy named uncle Mike, who’s never at any family functions.

There are several layers to this lyrical Freudian repression.
• What about Mrs. Claus?
• Is Santa the ultimate sugar daddy?
• If Santa is kissing every mom in town, is mommy nothing more than a concubine?
• Being Santa is an authority figure does sexual harassment come into play?
• What constitutes naughty and nice?

The trust issues will haunt this child well into his/her teenage years. This song was written in the late 50’s it’s no wonder college students of the 60’s were so angry, their mother was a tramp and daddy was a fool.


Before you think I’m a scrooge there are some great Christmas songs. Oh Holy Night sung by Michael Crawford will make your hair stand up. If you haven’t heard his version, do yourself a favor and click here.

I heard the Bells on Christmas Day is the most underrated song of all time. Several artist have covered it, my favorite is by the Jars of Clay. Click here and give it a listen.

The Little Drummer Boy never gets old. Check out this live performance by The Jars of Clay. It was recorded at the Ruth Eckerd Hall and it’s about the best I’ve seen. Click here.