New names for new cars

Just thinking out loud, (or typing by myself) but once this auto bailout program gets underway (and it will) the names of cars need to change. For years a car’s character has been defined by its name. When you think Camaro or Charger, you think muscle car. It was the golden age of big blocks, horsepower, and 570 Lbs. of Torque. The 70’s brought us smaller cars with names to accompany such runts as Pacer, Pinto, and Chevette (think Corvette’s dorky step-brother.) It’s safe to say those names defined the market.

Today automakers find themselves with their hand out to congress while their potential buyers are more nervous than an SUV at a Green Peace convention. The “Big Three” need to find catchy names to smooth into the transition from capitalist corporations to one-government- run-and-regulated State Department automaker. If I were appointed to give the press release, it would read something like this:

“Chrysler Corporation will become the congressional division for government-run- automakers. They will manufacture cars exclusively for the elite and privileged. (Mostly congressmen and high powered lobbyist)

Chrysler’s staple model is the Kickback. It has enough bribing power to make Barney Frank feel ashamed. Fully loaded, the Kickback, meets the demands of a senator on the take. With fold down seats, the Kickback will comfortably accommodate a politician, his wife, and his girlfriend(s).

The Chrysler plant will also manufacture the Oversight. The Oversight is a discrete one-cylinder car used for bar hopping and midnight encounters.

The Dole, by Chrysler, will be handed out on a case by case evaluation. The Dole is compact and can easily get lost in bureaucracy. If you see a lobbyist driving down the street, you can bet they’re driving a Dole. The Chrysler Dole, apply for one, you never know.

The Chrysler Pelosi is a sophisticated, yet radical, sedan. The Pelosi promises 80 miles per gallon, a clueless navigation system, and a whining rear wheel. With brakes in front of each seat, the Pelosi can halt on any passenger’s whim and suddenly take a left turn. (Fender skirts sold separately, not available on the Hillary model)

The general public (the little people) will have a wide range of makes and models to choose from.
Gone are the days of the Thunderbird. Ford will introduce the new Buzzard as its post bailout sports car. The Buzzard will pick apart the competition by surviving on the carcasses of taxpayers. Like Henry Ford’s old cars, the Buzzard can be any color you want as long as it’s black. The Ford Buzzard, flock to one today.

The Ford Focus will no longer be in production, but I’m proud to announce the new Ford Fiasco. One word says it all for this little beauty. The concept comes from Ford’s union agreement with UAW. The Ford Fiasco, buy two we’ll make more.

In 2010 Ford will roll out the Inept. The Inept picks up where the Edsel left off, without the reliability. The Inept will take you back to the days of strange clicking sounds and the smell of burning wires. We’ve added a canteen and a flashlight in the glove box for those long walks the Inept will allow you to take. The Ford Inept, please buy one.

The name Patriot doesn’t work for Jeep in this politically correct environment. After a complete overhaul Jeep will only make one vehicle and it’s called the Foreclosure. With bucket seats, (I mean real bucket seats, like a keg cut in half and turned over bucket seats) the Foreclosure has all the feel of a house that’s been stripped and waiting for auction.

Mercury gets into the game by replacing the Grand Marquis with the breathtaking Grand Depression. The Grand Depression has all the comfort of the 1930’s, but ten times the price. Isn’t it the right time to step-up and slide behind the wheel of a Grand Depression?

Chevrolet Cobalt will be replaced with the new and exciting Chevy Default. Coming to a showroom near you, the Default is a name that’s on the lips of many Americans. Join the crowd and declare your Default today.

The name Chevy Avalanche is too mild of a word for what’s coming. Get ready for the Chevy Apocalypse, equipped with a four horsemen engine and tribulation suspension, this chariot can handle the heat. With end-of-the-world pricing and Satan himself at each dealership, it’s a great time to usher in the Apocalypse. The Chevrolet Apocalypse, this may be the last vehicle we make.”

Like I said, just thinking out loud.