The Big Picture

If I hear one more time, “We don’t have a gas price problem, we have an oil addiction problem,” I’m gonna pull out what’s left of my hair.

Recently there was an editorial in the New York Times stating just that. Far be it for me to rebut an opinion by someone schooled in journalism and no doubt is smarter than yours truly. After all, published writers know all, just ask them. And I troll in virtual space while playing the part of Sergeant Schultz, “I know nothing.”

The guy, who wrote the piece, Tom Friedman, even knows how we simpleminded hicks view things. Here’s a line from his column talking about us, “They tend not to see the bigger picture.” In his view, I gather, we’re too stupid to see past the gas pump. We lack the grand vision of a planet in ruin heading for sure extinction unless we rehab ourselves off fossil fuel.

Friedman’s words, “We are addicted to dirty fossil fuels.”

Yes, you can say that, but we’re also addicted to food, water, and air. Like it or not, the industrial world is powered by oil. Call it an addiction if you wish, but it’s really a dependency. And the faster we become less dependant on foreign oil, the better off we’ll be. If it takes 10 years, so be it.

There are many ways to battle this problem, and yes, wind and solar should be at the table. However, good old dirty fossil fuel is here to stay for the time being.

While we work on hibred cars and mass transportation, it doesn’t answer the “bigger picture” that Mr. Friedman must not see.

You know that old saying, “If you have it, a truck brought it.” I’m not hearing anyone address the trucking industry and the combustion it takes to move an 18 wheeler down the road. There’s not a solar panel big enough to push a truckload of China made light bulbs or Mexico grown tomatoes across this country. For the foreseeable future, diesel rules the road, and consumer goods will cost what the ruler demands, regardless of your personal transportation, Bus or SUV.

Jet fuel is another wicked petroleum we’ll have around for a while. Those monsters need raw power to produce lift, power you won’t find with a couple of sails and a jib. Face it; we’re stuck with jet fuel, unless the government can figure out what propulsion system that alien aircraft used before it crashed in the Nevada desert some years ago. But Area 51 and we’re not alone, is a topic for another day.

To Mr. Friedman, I see the big picture quite well. It’s all about control through guilt. I hate to bang my conspiracy drum, but something is up. Big-Environment wants total control of our lives. Who gains if we don’t drill for oil here? This goes beyond a few polar bears and some baby ducks. The big picture, Tom, is green stocks and hedge funds. Billions of dollars ride on a green planet.

When people like Al Gore (who by the way runs a green hedge fund) live in a house that produces a bigger carbon footprint than the town I grew up in, while shaming me for drinking bottled water, the hypocrisy must be pointed out. It’s like that silly pledge he runs around saying, then he jumps in a SUV and heads to the airport to a waiting jet. Meanwhile, I stay home, recycle my plastic and newspaper, and turn the lights off when I leave a room, you know, common sense stuff. But I don’t say the pledge and buy into his version of global warming, so I’m the bad guy.

If the Gore’s of the world really believed this stuff wouldn’t they lead by example and not pledges? We all know actions speak louder than words.

Politicians look at climate control as tax revenue. That’s what this whole Cap and Trade thing is all about. This may sound funny now, but I feel one day we’ll be taxed on the air we exhale, it’s getting that ridiculous. In the coming months and years, look closely at who gets subsidies to build solar and wind farms. I bet the names can be linked back to the ones who opposed drilling here for fossil fuel.

That’s the big picture I see. However, I’m just a simpleminded hayseed who doesn’t understand the serious issues of the day.

I know my Nixon like paranoia is showing, but they're out to get us.

If I ran the zoo

Last week a subcommittee voted against drilling for oil in the outer continental shelf. Now we have names to associate with this nonsense. I would like to thank these fine gentlemen for gas being $4.00 a gallon.

Chair: Norman D. Dicks (WA)
James P. Moran (VA)
Maurice D. Hinchey (NY)
John W. Olver (MA)
Alan B. Mollohan (WV)
Tom Udall (NM)
Ben Chandler (KY)
Ed Pastor (AZ)
Dave Obey (WI)

All of the above are Democrats and enemy number one when it comes to common sense. Had they voted to drill, there was a likelihood that, oil prices would’ve dropped some, perhaps overnight.

Even though Republicans on the same subcommittee all voted for drilling, I’m not giving the party a free pass. Their leader, the President, has been embarrassing quiet on this issue. Perhaps President Bush feels his current state of approval would make matters worse if he spoke in favor of, “drill here, and drill now.” However, the Presidency isn’t a popularity contest, (which I hope Obama finds out) true leaders ignore their legacy, and mandate from the gut and common sense.

Right now the oil market is being overrun by speculation on oil futures. Yes OPEC has their hand in it which helps fuel (pun) the sky rocketing price, but the daily jumps of $5.00 or more a barrel lays at the investor’s feet.

If this country showed any movement in exploring for, drilling for, or actually producing our own oil, the investors would scurry faster than a roach in daylight. I don’t know a lot, but I do know, rich guys didn’t get rich by ignoring the trends. And trends tell them oil is in demand and the United States Congress will continue to keep it that way.

I guess you could look at it like a poker game with very high stakes.

Congress could just bluff a little, like vote for this last bill that called for outer continental shelf drilling and see what happens. But no, they are smarter than us, and by the way, because they live in a shell, are not effected by escalating gas prices.

You know, people are always asking me, “Ron, what if you ran the zoo?” Or maybe it’s, “Ron, you belong in a zoo,” but definitely one of the two. I’ll pretend it’s the former and state my case for zoo keeper.

I would play serious poker and throw all the chips on the table.

This zoo keeper would call a joint special session. Get every elected politician, even Gramps and Scooter off the campaign trail, to report to the Capital building. To show the world how committed they are to stop this crises, I’d make each congressmen vow to stay until a plan can be hammered out.

Then congress sensibly goes about doing the right things. For instance, I would put pressure to act on, flex-fuel automobiles, turning coal into fuel, and allow drilling off the coast of Florida, which China is getting ready to do.

To show ‘em I mean business. Demand Congress to vote for nuclear power plants, solar farms, and ocean tide research for energy. They would vote to give tax incentives to companies that started methanol plants. They’d approve giving the states the right to drill wherever a state wants too (Alaska and Montana.)

Then play the trump card. Congress approves extracting the vast supply of shale located in Utah and Colorado. (Experts say there is over a trillion barrels, which will last over 200 years at our current use)

Congress then drops the cards on the table and scoops up the chips—game over!

They would leave the halls of congress and on the drive home; they’d notice gas prices had already gone down.

Then I resign my post as zoo keeper and find another circus to run.

Look, I’m not a smart man, but isn’t this worth a try? I can’t help but believe the American people would go for this.

None of the above is that radical. It all can be done safely. With today’s technology so much can be done without disrupting the environment. It seems such a waste not to let the United States be an example of how God’s gifts (oil, shale, coal, sun, wind, oceans) can work within our surroundings.

I’ve talked before about the big-brained-people, which is also a gift from God. Isn’t it time to let them do their thing? Politicians need to stand out of the way when it comes to progress.

Nothing muddies up good ideas more than a Washington bureaucrat. The latest phrase coming off their lips is, “We can’t drill our way out of this.” If you trace the roots of this slogan, I bet you’ll find it came from a high powered environmentalist lobby. They fatten up these politicians with perks, and then give marching orders that carry out their agenda. How else can you explain what’s happening before our eyes.

I hate to keep harping on the subject. Believe me there are other things I’d rather write about. But every time I sit in front of this keyboard this is what rolls out.

There are a few good guys in this. Here’s a list of congressmen who voted for drilling in the outer continental shelf.

Todd Tiahrt (KS)
John E. Peterson (PA)
Jo Ann Emerson (MO)
Virgil H. Goode, Jr. (VA)
Ken Calvert (CA)
Jerry Lewis (CA

I applaud their effort in saying, “enough,” to environmentalist. We need more officials to do likewise. All it takes is a little common sense and the courage to do what’s right.

Until then, I’ll be by the phone waiting on a call…. to run the zoo.

Give me flex-fuel

I can’t believe I’m doing this, but somebody has to pick up the ball and run with it. I’m at my wits end because of do-nothing-politicians and two men who want to be President who haven’t a clue. Out of all the Presidential candidates this country had to offer, we’re left with Gramps and Scooter.

All the while Washington is worried about the polar bear, me drinking bottled water, and this preposterous notion of the earth becoming a charred wasteland. Yet, real solutions are sitting on the table waiting for someone with half of a brain to discover.

When will the people rise up and insist methanol and ethanol become our fuel standard? Obviously we’re comfortable paying $4.00 a gallon, because heads aren’t rolling down the aisles of Congress. What about $5.00 or $6.00 a gallon? Think about this, at the rate we’re going, soon a gallon of gas will be more than minimum wage per hour. So the poorest of the poor, you know, the ones Scooter is always talking about, will be hit the most. It might be more cost effective to sit home and live on the government dole.

I dug up some fun facts about methanol and ethanol. Why the environmentalist aren’t demanding this I’ll never know, but here it is from the Energy Victory website.

· Alcohol fuels burn cleaner than gasoline, causing less pollution

· Alcohol fuels are less toxic than gasoline

· Ethanol is edible

· Methanol, while not edible, is present in fresh fruit

· Unlike gasoline, neither ethanol nor methanol are carcinogenic

· Both ethanol and methanol are soluble in water, and biodegradable

· No Permanent Consequences of tanker accidents or other major spills

· Alcohol fuels act counter to global warming because

· Methanol from trash or otherwise flared natural gas has no net CO2

· Fuel from plant material draws its CO2 from the atmosphere

· Plants cool the Earth by evaporation of water through their leaves

· The heat of vaporization is then transported to the stratosphere

Am I the only sane man who discovered this? Why isn’t Gramps talking about this? He’d rather give speeches on Cap and Trade and bashes his own party. And Scooter? Forget Scooter, he runs around bashing Gramps party too, but is more concerned about universal healthcare than America facing a greater depression than the… well, the Great Depression! Are they blind or stupid?

I’ve not heard one stump speech from either candidate talking about flex-fuel. In fact, Congressmen and Senators haven’t opened their mouths on this subject as well. This makes me wonder; maybe it’s not in a politician’s best interest to solve this crisis? Oh yeah, they give lip service and feel our pain. They point fingers and threaten to socialize oil companies. (They’d love to do that) But nothing ever gets done. The paranoid in me says, all politicians are on the take and the OPEC lobby is the teat from which cash flows.

I have a feeling OPEC by proxy of lobbyist are the ones poo-pooing ethanol and methanol as a sensible solution to free ourselves from petroleum.

Here’s what I’d like to see. With all the 24 hour news channels out there reporting on mindless drivels. (I actually saw a breaking news story on Ricky Martin announcing he was supporting Hilary, how’s that for drivel?) Anyway, one network, any network, invite the brightest minds on chemistry, flex-fuels, automobile manufacturing, and economics. Let’s get all these brains in one room and have a round table discussion on how quickly this can be done. Not if, but when?

Brazil had the forethought 30 years ago, and today they are 90% oil free. What have we been doing for 30 years? Well now it’s time to play catch-up.

I assume, since you’ve read this far, you’re sick of gas prices going up. Maybe some of you aren’t convinced flex-fuel is the way to go. But until I hear of another idea, I feel we must run with this one.

I’m sending the below letter to my two senators and congressman. I encourage all who read this blog to do the same. If you don’t have time to use your own words, please feel free to copy and past to your email.

Not many people read this blog; I’m kinda on a dirt road when it comes to the information super highway. But if enough small time bloggers do this, maybe Washington will be overrun with flex-fuel emails and someone with common sense will get the hint.

Dear Senator/Congressman U.R Worthless

I’m sure you’ve noticed that gas prices are at an all-time high, and increasing each day. Our dependency on foreign oil must stop. This is not a drill here drill now letter, but that idea does make sense at times like this. This letter goes deeper than finding more crude oil. It’s about the future, which is something you can influence.

Senators Brownback and Bayh, along with Congressmen Engel and Kingston, need your help and support with a bill called the Open Fuels Standard Act. If passed, all cars must be manufactured to run on flex-fuel. This would truly be a giant step in reducing our dependence on fossil fuel. Imagine the impact of this. Americans would have a choice when they pulled up to the pump. With choice, we would have competition, which lowers prices.

The idea is simple. Experts say, and I encourage you to investigate, how easily methanol can be produced. Plants could turn coal, waste vegetation, or even urban trash into alcohol burning fuel. Methanol is selling for about $1.68 a gallon, but unfortunately our cars run on gasoline.

If we could make every car flex-fueled, gas stations would soon pop up selling methanol, ethanol as well as gasoline and we just might find our way out of this crisis.

Right now Brazil is using this concept and the country is 90% oil free, I don’t see why we can’t enjoy the same freedom.

The added plus is that flex-fueled vehicles burn clean alcohol. This is a win win for the environmentalist.

Please get behind this bill. As you can see by the sponsors it is non-partisan.

I look foreword to hearing from you,

I.B. Shocked

Here’s a few links where you can find your Congressmen’s email and don't forget Gramps and Scooter.

Your Senator

Your Congressman

John McCain

Barack Obama

Ball up your fist

Petitions never seem to work, but maybe there’s a chance for this one. Here’s why, due to this wonderful Internet Al Gore invented for us, (cough) now, we have a real opportunity to go virtually door to door.

We all remember that kook Ross Perot and the ground swell that took him from a Larry King interview to a legitimate Presidential candidate. If Perot would’ve kept his wits about him (paranoid) and stayed true to his convictions, old Ross might have actually won. But, we know what happened, (black helicopters, Bush ruining his daughters wedding, and some guy who looked lost as his V.P. candidate.) Point is, had a sane man received the same type of grass roots effort, maybe Bill Clinton wouldn’t have been elected. (Come on Ron, that was 16 years ago, give it up.) Okay.

Then there was Arnold Schwarzenegger and his Governator routine. Well, that started because a group of people sought out registered voters to sign a petition recalling the current Governor, Gray Davis. And it worked.

So, from time to time, America does ball up its fist. But more often than not we swing at empty air and the latest petition floats in eternity on an outdated website with only the signatures of a few angry white men venting off their frustrations. (“I’ll show them, let’s see point and click, now get me a beer woman and where’s my gun?”)

We need a petition now more than ever, because Congress just doesn’t get it.

Okay, not drilling for oil because of the environment back in the 90s was cute. I guess, then, we could afford to save the caribou or moose. But when it comes to survival, we are the highest on the food chain, sorry Bambi. If this was just about 4 or 5 dollars a gallon, it would be one thing, yeah the price hurts, but if that’s all it was, we could adjust. However, it’s the domino affect, knocking down airlines, trucking companies, farms, and on and on.

With the exception of pointing fingers, does Congress care?

If you think they do, just Google the words “Cap and Trade.” If this bill goes through you can expect gas to go up $1.50 to $5.00 more per gallon. This will be done, all in the name of saving our planet from those dangerous “greenhouse gases. John McCain is leading the charge on this nonsense, which is disappointing. Berry Obama is also for it, as well as that lady running for President, (my angry white man is coming out.) This is ridiculous, at a time when we need leadership; they’re talking carbon credits of all things.

If Washington continues down this path, how far will it be before we’re issued ERIC cards? (See Bigsby Letters)

What is wrong with our thinking? Has common sense left the building?

I heard an elected official, (I wish I could remember her name, Congresswoman something-or-another) say, “We can’t drill our way out of this problem.” What! How about, this problem is because we can’t drill! Who elects theses people?

Okay, time to ball up our fist and sign a petition called Drill Here Drill Now. We can go door to door one foreword email at a time. Friends, neighbors, and countrymen copy and paste the below address to an email and let it fly to everyone you know. Don’t bother sending my rant above, that’ll just scare um’.

Maybe, if enough common sense people sign, perhaps some little brain in Washington will have a light go off.

www.AmericanSolutions.com/drillnow Point click and scream at your wife.

"Hey Orville, I got a crazy idea".....

It’s never stopped me before, so I’m about to explain something I don’t understand.

While most of our oil comes from Canada, a non OPEC country, it’s the bullies over at OPEC that are causing this mess. Think about it, they control the faucet and set the price as they wish with no rhyme or reason. Or perhaps there is a reason. I don’t think you’d get too much of an argument if you said, “Most OPEC countries hate America… Iran, Saudi Arabia, Venezuela, yep, we’re hated.” Hugo Chavez wants oil at $200 a barrel; you think he likes us (US).

Saudi Arabia was the only friend we thought we had. But it’s funny now that Saddam Hussein is no longer around (threatening border countries) the Saudis have little use for the protecting arm of the United States. With Saddam gone one has to wonder if the two aren’t related.

Robert Zubrin, (Google him if you wish,) is an aerospace engineer, with a boatload of knowledge. He understands more than this pee-brain of mine will ever comprehend. But what I can follow, he makes a lot of sense. He feels OPEC is out to destroy America by making fuel unaffordable. In turn, our country will have a depression, which would cause stocks to drop. Major corporations will lose their value allowing anyone with cash to purchase stocks for pennies on the dollar. So who do you think will have cash when no one else does? Voila, the terrorists win and they own America. Some OPEC families are already investing in American stocks, so the ball is rolling.

Make no mistake, this is a world war, I needn’t remind you that most of the terrorists who flew planes into our buildings were from Saudi Arabia. And you know all about Iran’s leader. Then we add Venezuela (America hating Hugo Chavez) to the mix.

Fuel is the lifeblood of our economy and we’re losing blood at a rapid pace. Yes, I’m afraid the next terrorist attack we’ve been waiting for is already here. We’re just too stupid too realize it. Instead Congress brings in oil executives and lectures them on being greedy. The environmentalist and politicians (both sides) won’t allow drilling on so- called sacred soil. Hey, my thought is, if the Grand Canyon has oil beneath its surface, God must have put it there for us to use… Fill the sucker up! But that’s just me.

Here’s a word for our environmentalist friends… Shut-up!
I love the planet, after all I live here. I’m for wind and solar power, let’s do it. But don’t stand in the way of all the things nature has given. This planet, like it our not, was supplied with crude oil by our creator. I guess you could call it a gift from God. What makes you so pompous to dictate where the US drills for God’s gift?

Because of you, we can’t drill in the Gulf of Mexico. However, you can’t stop Mexico and Cuba from drilling in the same waters. So now we can’t have a piece of that pie. No, no, no, we’ll hurt the fish. See fish only die when Americans drill for oil.

You know Clinton back in 1995 vetoed a bill that would’ve allowed drilling in Alaska. Had he signed it along with drilling in the Gulf of Mexico and in the Dakotas, this blog might not be necessary. But what’s done is done, and we play the, “What are we going to do game,” while continuing buying oil from terrorists, dictators and countries where women have no rights. How come that’s okay? You’d think OPEC would be protested by every human rights organization this side of Ralph Nader. And if they stood by their principles, not only would they want to drill in Alaska, they’d demand it.

If we could drill, finding refineries would be the next problem. The last refinery was built in 1976. That’s when John McCain was still in the Navy, Bill Clinton wasn’t inhaling, and Barack Obama went by the name, Barry. It’s no wonder this oil mess didn’t start years ago.

You want to bring OPEC to their knees? Give them competition, which brings me back to Robert Zubrin, he wants to make all new cars flex-fueled. Mr. Zubrin states, that for a little over one hundred dollars cars can be altered to run on gas, pure sugar ethanol, or methanol, in other words, flex-fuel. This would give the consumer a choice. Now I know we’ve had problems with corn-based ethanol, but he’s talking about pure ethanol made from sugarcane, which wouldn’t throw our food crops out of whack. But I’m more interested in his methanol theory.

Robert Zubrin says methanol can be made from wood, coal, or even trash. Remember this is a rocket scientist, and when they speak I tend to believe them. Continuing his thought, we have more than enough coal, undergrowth woods that need to be managed, and trash to have methanol coming out of our ears. If you compare equivalent gas vs. methanol think about this. Currently methanol is selling $1.60 a gallon… I said one dollar and sixty cents a gallon…. What am I missing? Isn’t this the biggest no-brainer in history?

You want to see gas prices drop, let OPEC know we’re sniffing around this idea and oil will drop $20 a barrel. If we do more than sniff and actually put methanol cars into production, suddenly the hunted become the hunter and we might just tell OPEC how much we’ll pay for their oil.
We are Americans, the land that brought us Edison, Ford, and Gates. We’ve put men on the moon; now the same men tell us this can be done. Isn’t it time we listen to the big-brained people instead of the little minds that run Washington?

Our politicians can’t grasp new ideas. They’d rather point fingers at the President, oil companies and you and me for driving SUVs. I say enough is enough. We’re at war with OPEC and it’s time to get out of our defensive crouch and strike back.

From here on out, every Senator’s conversation should start and end with how do we make our cars run on methanol and when can the plants get up and running?

Maybe methanol isn’t the answer, I don’t know. If the country was full of people like me, we’d still be rubbing sticks together hoping for fire. But thankfully we live in a country that’s been blessed with thinkers who can use their mind for unbelievable things. Think how far we’ve come since Henry Ford, but we’re still using the same type fuel that powered the Model T. You really believe that’s where our intelligence stopped? We’ve sat far too long on this antiquated idea of petroleum based propulsion. It’s time to get out of the crude oil ages and the United States needs to lead the way.

You’ve probably never heard of Percy Spencer or Martin Cooper, but you use their inventions everyday. You can thank old Percy the next time you throw popcorn into a microwave and teenagers ought to build a shrine in honor of Martin Cooper. He came up with the crazy idea of a cell phone. Just think a few generations ago these two inventions seemed as foreign as; oh I don’t know, turning trash into fuel.

Do your own research; some call Robert Zubrin a crack-pot with crazy ideas. Well, that’s what they called the Wright Brothers. And at one time some experts said the public had no use for a personal computer. Now I have a bigger hard drive on my laptop than the computer that landed man on the moon.

We can do anything. Necessity is the mother of all invention and we have a mother of a problem. Our enemies have realized flying a few planes into buildings only kill some of us. But if they slowly grind us into a depression, they’ll kill us all.

Here’s what I don’t understand. Why isn’t this on the editorial page of every newspaper? This news shouldn’t fall on a dolt like me who listens to an obscure radio program in the middle of the night.

This stuff should be written by professionals who know how to string coherent sentences together. The best I can do is give you a few links where the case is made a little clearer, and urge you to write your congressmen about flex-fueled cars.

www.energyvictory.net
http://www.thenewatlantis.com/publications/the-methanol-alternative

The way I see it, we got two choices, we can continue to point fingers while bowing down to OPEC, or we show the world what good old American know-how can do.
If we chose the latter, one day future generations will look back at us and say, this was America’s finest hour.

In the mean time, I’ll be in my backyard rubbing sticks together and hoping for fire.

Black Gold, Texas Tea

You all know the story about a man named Jed, the poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed. Then one day he was shootin at some food, and up through the ground came a bubblin crude.

What would happen if old Jed lived by today’s laws?
Perhaps… No, the EPA would circle the Clampett Compound faster than you could say “David Koresh and the Branch Davidian Ranch.” They’d seize Jed’s property, cap the oil gusher to save the caribou, moose, or whatever Jed was aiming for, and then fine him for drilling in a natural habitat. Then of course he’d also be charged with shooting led (bullets) into the ground. You do know there is a chance that over time the led might work its way down to our drinking water, shame on you Jed.

Then I would look for the government to ban hunting rifles, or as they call them, personal oil drilling implements. See, the government would fear that when everyone heard about Jed and his fancy hand-held drilling machine, the country would go nuts shooting led into the ground. If that happened, old Jed would be slapped with conspiracy to destroy the planet and Mr. Clampett would find himself sitting before Congress being lectured on the damages oil and led does to the environment.

Not only is Jed not a millionaire, it’ll cost him millions in fines, penalties, and not to mention legal fees. Then you know the property Jed owned before it was seized? Well guess what, since the land was full of oil, that made Jed part of Big Oil. Now he owes back taxes because he wasn’t forthright on the value of the property. WEE DOGGIE, Jed’s in trouble now.

To set an example for other would be oil hunters, the government hits Jed with a full force of violations. They claim he knew Granny made moonshine for her doctoring.

He let Jethro struggle through 12 years of school to receive a 6th grade ed-ja-ma-cation, instead of seeking out a special needs teacher. They’ll also accuse Jed of mentally abusing poor Jethro. Like the time Jed said, “If brains was lard, Jethro couldn’t grease a pan.”

He allowed Elly May to drag dangerous critters into the Clampett home. They even charged him with neglect, because Duke the dog never had his shoots. Oh yeah, and if he was really hunting for some food, where was his license? So they got him for that too.

Since it seems Jed has a fondness for firearms, the government would naturally take the investigation in another direction… “So Mr. Clampett, what ever happened to Mrs. Clampett, and why the rush to load up the truck and move to Beverly?”

Boy Howdy, by the time they’re through, Jed would be tried and convicted of being an angry white man, who pollutes the air, contaminates drinking water, leads a moonshine ring, abuses the mentally handicapped, tax evader that hates his dog. And perhaps he’s a murderer, since no one has seen Mrs. Clampett.

I reckon old Jed wished he’d stayed home that day and ate leftover vittles. Of course where he’s going, he’ll never have to hunt for food again. He can take his shoes off and set a spell.

Y’all come back now, y’hear.

Up next, Hooterville, the EPA goes after one Oliver Wendell Douglas for using DDT on his cornfield and the IRS wants to talk to Mr. Haney.

This started out to be just a few lines about Jed Clampett, and then I was going to rant about oil. As you can see, I got a little carried away.