Let the New Games begin

As you probably know the Summer Olympics are here. And if you’re like me, the spark of these games fizzled out years ago. Back in the golden age of the Cold War the Olympics became the frontline in a never ending battle for world swagger. Sure other countries competed, but it was a stage built for the Americans, which were amateur athletes, against the Soviet Union, where their athletes were raised and paid by the Russian government.

The national anthem always sounded sweeter when our flag rose above the hammer and sickle. And no anthem sounded more menacing if by chance the roles were reversed.

This classic showdown was as close as it got to hand-to-hand combat, and it seemed the world watched. The drama played out over a two week period on my television screen. It was capitalism vs. communism. What a view, what a time, and what happened?

Well, we boycotted them, and then they boycotted us, the wall fell and we won the war. Throw in all the steroid use and new enemies who wear no countries flag, we find ourselves, here, now, and uninterested.

But I’m here to help. A few of my ideas might make the games watchable again. First let’s get one thing clear. If you don’t wear a helmet it’s not a sport, a competition yes, but not a sport.

My son always says, “But Dad, what about basketball?”

Like I said, if you don’t wear a helmet, it’s not a sport.

Here’s a simple test. Any event that could cause a death unless your head is protected… that my friend is a sport, to backup my statement, it’s called the Olympic games, not the Olympic Sports.

I’ve been researching some of the events in these games, events like beach volleyball, canoeing, and badminton. If you ask me, the Olympics are a three-legged race and a pie eating contest away from being a company picnic.

Did you know there is a trampoline event? You jump on a trampoline, what’s wrong with us, have we lost our minds?

Then there is something called modern pentathlon. The competitor rides a horse, shoots a pistol, fences an opponent, swims and runs. In other words, they made it up.

Although they dress up the name and call it table tennis, it’s called ping-pong and it’s an event in the Olympics. I don’t know what’s worse, a grown man playing ping-pong, or a country that brags because they won the gold medal in ping-pong. It’s ping-pong people!

Now let the new games begin.

First we throw out all events that are judged. A game has to have a clear cut winner. For instance, a 10 score in one view might be a 9.5 in another eye, or an 8. Especially if the athlete is American and the judge is from China, Mexico, Canada, Russia, France, Germany, Italy, or San Francisco.

In my games any diving, gymnastics and soccer event is out. I know soccer, or as they call it football, is not judged, but it’s a stupid game and it’s out.

Water polo is out; it’s just soccer in the water. Field hockey is out; it’s just soccer with sticks. Handball is out… Why you say? Have you seen it? It’s not the type of handball you’re thinking where you hit a ball against the wall. No, this is a team event where you throw a ball into a net… in front of the net there is a goalie, which is like water polo, which is like soccer, which makes it out of my games.

Race walking is out just on the name alone. Same goes for the steeplechase, anything with the word synchronized in it, and the hammer throw (unless they start using real hammers).

To fill the void, here’s a list of the new and improved Olympic Games.
• Golf: can you say Tiger Woods

• Football: not that football, I’m talking real football, you know the kind real men play (with a helmet)

• Auto Racing: NASCAR enough said

• Men’s slow pitch softball: all players must have a gut that sticks out over their belt (think beer league)

• Coed chicken fights at the shallow end of the pool: think about it, you know I’m right

• Shuffleboard: for our seasoned citizens

• Bowling: again think beer league

• Checkers: need an event no one will watch

• Mud Wrestling: a ratings jackpot

• Tug-of-war: need I say more

• Musical Chairs: for the art crowd

• Dodgeball: great movie, great Olympic event

• Frisbee Football: brought to you by, “Wham-O”

• Oyster Shucking: sharp instruments and speed equals blood and entertainment

• Poker: believe it or not, people watch it

• Peanut eating contest: sounds boring right? No sir, not in my games. Each contestant must, repeat must be allergic to peanuts. Now let’s see who wants the gold. And being there could be a death involved, throw a helmet on their heads and call it a sport. It takes the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat to a whole new level.

There you go countrymen, my Olympics. Each event will have a clear winner and not a “soccer like” event to be found.

Consider this my formal resume to the International Olympic Committee. I’m sure the stuffed shirts at the IOC wouldn’t ponder these events too long before throwing them out. After all, they’re too busy watching badminton and trampoline jumps.

Of course if you've been watching the news, the former U.S.S.R. might be back for another swing.... Hey Moscow, ping-pong anyone?


Up next, how I would improve that ridiculous National Spelling Bee contest. Without giving too much away …. it involves a shark tank.